Waiting: the Process and the Problem

Does anyone actually enjoy waiting?  I doubt it.  And please do not confuse waiting with anticipation. 

Dictionary.com defines Waiting as: “a period of waiting; pause, interval, or delay.”

It defines Anticipation as: “realization in advance; foretaste. Expectation or hope.”

There is excitement and buildup associated with anticipation, but waiting is a delay in your plans.  One abides in hope, the other drags fear along behind it.

So what do we do when we are forced to wait for an outcome? 

How do we wait well?

There are many important things in life that I have waited for: medical test results, a relationship, starting a family, a positive bottom line, a call back from my dream job, and the cessation of grief.  Most took years, some months, and others I am still in the midst of. 

Waiting to hear about my dad’s test results to determine if his cancer returned, only took hours.  How did I pass the time?  Anxiety, pacing, and a ton of prayer.  Ultimately, his cancer did come back, with a vengeance...  It was devastating. 

Waiting for the call back about my dream job took months.  I was working for an Italian fashion company in Manhattan, hoping to go from a retail position to account management.  I was told it was only a matter of time, they just needed the budget to create the role and it would be mine.  I am not from Manhattan, my entire family lives in St. Louis and being so far apart was beginning to wear on me.  The day I announced to my family I was moving back home, was the day my boss called with the good news.  I got the job!  Oh was it bittersweet… 

Waiting for a relationship took years.  Not just any relationship, but THE relationship.  Falling in love with one of your best friends is everything you could ever hope for, but in reality, it took years of ups and downs and bottomless heartbreak before the timing was right.  Then once everything aligned, there was more waiting to be done.  What I learned through this waiting period is what I want to share with you today. 

In each scenario the underlying threads were faith and hope, intertwined. 

Even when we knew my dad’s days were numbered, we still held out hope.  Even after the hospice nurse told us that despite the fact the doctor gave us days, it was really only a matter of hours; we held out hope.  And when my dad quietly passed away, it was faith that gave us the strength to put one foot in front of the other.  It was faith that the life which remains, still has purpose.  It was faith that we were strong enough to handle this.  It was faith that life would be good again.  It was faith that held us together.

When I decided to turn down my dream job and go forward with my plans to move back home, it was in faith that I made this decision.  It was hope that another opportunity would come around.  It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t without disappointment.  However, it put me exactly where I needed to be when one year later my dad’s cancer came back. I was home with my family instead of 900+ miles away in New York City.  Waiting for my dream job was from 2008 to the summer of 2009.  My dad passed away in September 2010. 

The day I called my boss to turn down the job offer, my dad thought I was making a huge mistake.  He wanted me to go all out, give everything I had to achieve my dreams, homesickness be damned.  I rarely chose to disappoint my dad, but this time I chose faith.  And I know in the end he was grateful I was home by my family’s side. 

Each circumstance is unique.  Looking back, I do not think one waiting period helped me through another.  Each one had its own distinct facets.  But one thing I am sure of, the longer the wait the better you learn how to cope.

Waiting for THE relationship is the one I held onto the longest.  I had faith we were meant to be together (even if at times I swore, for the sake of my heart, I’d let him go).  Hope cushioned the way.  It allowed me to envision a future with him, one worth waiting for.  Faith shielded my belief from doubt and dismay. 

Through this specific waiting period I learned how to wait well.  It doesn’t mean I enjoy the wait, but I did build a formula to help bring me through it. 

Here is the process I’ve put together over time:

1. Create the Vision
   1. Really see it, make it come alive in your mind
2. Remember the Past
   1. Look to examples of where things worked themselves out in your life
3. Strengthen Your Belief
   1. Remind yourself of who you are and your ability to accomplish whatever you put your mind to
4. And Pray
   1. You can pray to God, the universe, yourself, deceased relatives, saints- it doesn’t matter. The objective of prayer is not to manipulate the outcome, but to release it to a higher power and allow yourself the miracle of a new perspective.

Creating a Vision

When you think about the opportunity or answer you are waiting for, what does it look like?  What does it feel like?  What kind of impact does it have on your life, your family’s life, the world?  See it in great detail.  Bring in every sensory experience (sight, smell, sound, taste, touch).  Create a vision so specific you can place yourself there anytime you close your eyes.  If you want to go a step further, write it down.  You will need to refer back to this vision again and again, so make certain this experience is completely immersive. 

Remember the Past

Go back in time and recall an event in your life where you had to wait.  The more challenging, non-linear, and time consuming, the better.  Remind yourself of an experience where you weren’t sure of the outcome, but it all worked out in the end.  (Turning down my job offer is a great example.)  Then come up with another.  And another.  As many as you can.  Hold on tight to these reminders.  It would be smart to write them down as well.  These will serve as proof everything will work out in the end.

Strengthen Your Belief

Here is where you take the time to work on yourself.  If you currently have an unwavering belief in your ability to figure things out, wonderful, move on to the final step.  If not, please continue.  This is another exercise in remembering, remembering the endless capacity you have to create the things you want in life.  Think back to all the times you felt stuck, lost, or out of your league.  Did you figure a way out, a way forward, a new path?  Yes, you did!  Come up with as many examples as you can.  Strengthen your belief in yourself and your ability to conquer whatever is in front of you until you are as certain of this as the oxygen you breathe.  Your belief in yourself will be foundational in any challenge you face in life.

Pray

Prayer can look like whatever you want.  It can be silent or spoken aloud, it can be written or wordless, it can be expressed to something external or something within you.  It can be whatever works best for you.  The purpose of prayer is to completely surrender your desire and to trust everything will work out.

Gabby Bernstein’s advice in The Universe Has Your Back, sums it up nicely.  “The key to trusting in the Universe’s plan is to let go of all outcomes.  When we get hung up about how something ‘should’ turn out, then we disconnect with the flow of universal guidance.”

Experience your vision, remember all the times it has worked out in the past, believe in yourself above all else, and let go.

The purpose of prayer isn’t control or force, the purpose is internal transformation. 

As C.S. Lewis said, “I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping.  It doesn’t change God.  It changes me.”

At the end of the day, waiting provides us with a lesson to be learned.  It builds character, certainty in ourselves, and faith in a meaningful world.  It is up to you how you choose to spend the time.  You’ll end up learning the lesson one way or the other.  The problem with waiting isn’t in the waiting, it is the meaning we give to it.  Choose wisely.